So last week, I hit a major milestone…
I made it to one whole year, of being abstinent.
And before I go any further, yes, there is a difference between abstinence and celibacy. While both are done out of choice, celibacy refers to an unmarried person, or virgin who gives up sex for religious purposes. Whereas abstinence is choosing to refrain from sex due to your own personal reasons.
Now that I’ve cleared that up, what started out as having zero options somehow turned into a life of abstinence that happened purely by accident.
Like all people, I enjoy sex. But I would be lying if I said that having sexual encounters with someone I wasn’t committed to, didn’t leave me with feelings of emptiness. Still, it didn’t stop me from willingly sharing my body. And after having gone through multiple bouts of promiscuity, training myself to handle sex without being in a relationship, and using sex as a coping mechanism, I began to realize that maybe my lack of prospects was a sign that just I needed to let it go. That and, on those rare occasions when I was tempted, and an opportunity presented itself, something always came along and blocked it.
And over time, my desire for sex became replaced with my desire to be the woman I was destined to become.
Now, of course being on this abstinence journey, I am met with all kinds of judgement, opinions, subtle shade, and flat out confusion. Living in a world where “hooking up” and casual sex are the norm, making the choice to stop, hasn’t always been easy. I get comments from people like:
“Girl, I don’t know how you do it?”
“So you’re not doing anything…? I guess…”
“How long are you planning on keeping this up?”
“Well personally, I think you should just find one person to do it with until you’re ready to settle down.”
“I mean, I couldn’t do it.. But more power to you.”
And the most hurtful comment:
“It’s already hard enough for you to meet someone with your standards, and now you’re not having sex? Good luck with that.”
And it’s those kinds of comments, that had me questioning why I was abstaining from sex in the first place. Even caused me to dip back into the archives to schedule a “business meeting” with a former lover, just so I could take the edge off, and resume my abstinence journey.
But the fear of disappointing myself and the love of the person I was transforming into, were what stopped me from going through with it.
That and, I’ll be damned if I worked this hard, to get to this point, only to throw it all away for one night of pleasure (assuming it will be good), just for the sake of saying that I had sex. It simply wasn’t worth it.
And dammit, I deserve more.
Now I haven’t let go of sex for good, and am still unsure as to whether I am going to wait until I get into a serious relationship or married. And yes, there is a tiny bit of fear that I won’t meet anyone who understands and supports my decision to be abstinent. But things are going to happen the way that they are supposed to. And until that time comes I am going to continue along this journey, living abstinent and free.