“Women are not rehabilitation services for badly raised boys.” – Fatima Zaha Umar
So a few weeks ago, one of my followers posted the above quote, which struck a chord with me, and then suggested that I make it a #Confessionsovertea topic (my live, IG girl chat that takes place every Wednesday at 8pm CST). And I couldn’t have agreed with her more.
The reality is we have all encountered men who were so impolite, so inconsiderate, so selfish, we couldn’t help but to wonder, “Who raised you?” These badly raised men will impress us with their representative, and once their 90 day probationary period wears off, go from Jekyll to Hyde.
Most badly raised men lack empathy, chivalry, humility, and blame everything on the fact that “he wasn’t raised like that”. They are full of excuses, and have an answer for everything. They will expect for you to always be there, accept their patterns of bad behavior, and undo all of their parents’ wrongdoings.
In short, badly raised men deplete you of your essence, strip you of your black girl magic, and leave you a shell of your former self, wondering where your liveliness has gone.
Not to be confused with Eff Boys (see part 1 and part 2), badly raised men basically take from you, with very little give. And once they’re done, leave you for someone else and live happily ever after. While you’re stuck trying to put the pieces of your life back together.
Simply put, badly raised men think that the sun rises and sets on their badly. raised. ass.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some badly raised men who are products of their environment. But at some point, one would think that they would have acquired the common sense to know right from wrong.
And girl, I get it.
As women, we are nurturers by nature. We like the feeling of being needed and changing someone. We like to be able to say:
“He changed for me.”
“I helped him change his ways.”
“When I met him, he did ______, but since we’ve been together, he doesn’t do it anymore.”
But unless your badly raised man is willing to change for himself, you will always find yourself at the center of his beck and call. Cleaning up his messes, putting up with his shit, and accepting what little he’s willing or has to offer.
Now I’m not saying that all men are perfect, nor am I saying that you can’t help the brotha out, but darling, you have to first protect yourself. And know that it is not your responsibility to be this badly raised man’s rehabilitation center. You should not have go behind the mistakes of his parents, and everyone else who has failed him. And you sure as hell shouldn’t have to suppress your feelings and desires all because “he wasn’t raised like that.”
Sister my sister, get you someone with some couth so you can build one another up. And leave the badly raised men, with their equally bad parents.