Confessions Life Lessons Single Lessons

Black Girl Healing

First Date Question: “How aware of you are your traumas and suppressed emotions and tell me about how you are actively working to heal them before you try to project that shit on me.” – Unknown

Hey Beautiful!

I know I’m not the only one who has seen the above quote floating around the social medias. And I also know that I am not the only one who has seen the above quote, and immediately side-eyed every guy from my past, present, and sometimes future.

But do we ever stop and ask ourselves that question?

The reality is, we are experiencing so many different types of hurt from our past, having gone unresolved far too long, and causing them to become embedded within us. We go through life with these hidden traumas without ever having properly addressing it, resulting in them resurfacing at the most inopportune times. And when something does come along, triggering that painful experience, we shut down, lash out, and/or add something else onto our already full plates so that we can suppress that feeling.

We’re basically putting bandaids on wounds so deep, that the slightest drop of moisture or blow from the wind will cause them to come off. Leaving us exposed, and further damaging our wounds to the point of infection, making things far worse than what they should have been. And we continuously do this to avoid the pain and discomfort that it takes to properly heal.

This is especially true in the case of relationships. Jumping from one to the next, or one bed to the next, thinking that the love and affection of a partner, or picture of an ideal family will make the scars from our past magically disappear.

And I hate to be the bearer of bad news sis, but that is just not realistic. I don’t care what Disney, Nickelodeon, or any other fairy tale has said, the kiss from a prince or a missing shoe is not the key to having a happily ever after. Never has been, and never will be.

We’ve got to stop thinking that the answer to all of our deeply rooted issues involves a loving husband and house full of babies. Especially when the source of a lot of our pain stems from traumatic experiences, lack of self-love, or something in our lineage that has been passed down from generation to generation like a family heirloom.

It isn’t fair to our current/future spouses, and it damn sure isn’t fair to our children.

Once upon a time, I was a person who was incapable of being transparent. I didn’t know what it was to be self aware. I was never given permission to be vulnerable because that grace was never extended to those who came before me. I buried my feelings with the typical, “I’m fine”. I experienced multiple bouts of promiscuity. I prayed desperately for every guy I laid down with, to be my forever bae. I placed way too high expectations on men to rescue me from what I was feeling. I subconsciously projected my hidden traumas onto other others in hopes that they would give me the love that I couldn’t find within myself. I shut down, and I pushed people away.

I was hurting. I needed help. I needed healing. And I committed to doing just that.

Sister my sister, I understand that sometimes the easiest thing to do when coming face to face with your problems is to resort to what’s comfortable and to keep going as if nothing is wrong. I also understand that it is easy to run into the arms of someone hoping that they’ll make everything better. But we have to understand that until we do what is required to get our healing, we will forever leave traces of our pain across the hearts and minds of all those we come into contact with. Leaving them depleted and forced to undergo their own healing, just to resume some sort of normalcy, so they don’t project your traumas onto the next person.

Let’s end these cycles of pain and get healed so that we can go on and live the fruitful lives that we have not only dreamed of, but that we deserve. We owe ourselves and future generations that and so much more.

xoxo, Racquel

(8) Comments

  1. Natasha says:

    This is very true I think it’s almost like when a dad tells a son he cant show emotions or cry…. Its forever bottled up and we continue to keep life moving along without completing ourselves of removing a feeling before we move to the next. It time. From my lessons and emotions ive taught both kids to not hold it in, reverse the negative nad talk about it so we cannot have a repeat.

    1. artofsingle says:

      Amen! And you are absolutely right, it is the same telling a son that he can’t cry. We have to stop these cycles, and have more open spaces where people can comfortably open up and share.

  2. Ellen says:

    Powerful, .well said and knowledgeable. At my age I’m still finding me and healing . I’m living day by day with happiness and God . That’s all I can ask for plus chats with you if only more women can be involved that are going through the same things

    1. artofsingle says:

      Thank you so much! And that’s an amazing thing! I feel like people are beginning to do a lot more self reflection, and focusing on healing.

  3. Healing our Tramuas help us create stronger family bonds. I’ve been doing the work to ensure I don’t pass down that drama to my son. I appreciate this posts because people have to be aware of how their past shows up in there present.

    1. artofsingle says:

      Yes! It’s so easy to subconsciously pass your traumas down to your kids. So I commend you for doing what you need to do to make sure your son is affected.

  4. This was so on point and very well written. I am a firm believer in taking the time to resolve conflict and hurt. Many times we both men and women do not take the time to do some self inventory. 1. Was that a lesson or a blessing? 2. If it was a lesson what did I learn from that. Not about the other person per-say but about myself. 3. What steps shall I take to ensure that “that issue” doesn’t happen again. I tell people all of the time if you are broken be broken alone. Seek help, healing etc but understand that it will not work if you are lying to yourself about YOU. Once answers have been found, then seek a relationship. Bravo Sis!

    1. artofsingle says:

      EXACTLY!! We’ve got to be able to resolve our own deeply seeded issues before jumping into the next relationship. It’s no one’s job to fix us, but us. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!

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