Major. Breakthrough. Alert!
I had an experience recently that tested my boundaries, and can proudly say that I stood firm in my “no”. And when asked why, I confidently said, “Because I said so.” Naturally the person who was testing my boundaries, was unwilling to accept my explanation, but it didn’t matter. My reasoning was good enough, my no was firm, and no amount of persistence was going to get me to change my mind. They were just going to have to deal with it.
It wasn’t always like this though. Let me go back for a minute.
For years I had gotten it all wrong. People would ask why I was still single, and of course, I would either blame the guy or say, “God just hasn’t sent the right one yet.” Both not total lies, but definitely not the entire truth.
See what I didn’t want to admit was that though I dealt with some not so great guys, I struggled with saying “no”. And that was due to the fact that I lacked boundaries. I wanted to pretend like I was this strong-willed person, but knew deep down inside that I was pretty weak and didn’t have the greatest self-confidence. Thus resulting in me agreeing and going along with things that I knew I didn’t want to.
For as long as I could remember, I always based my self worth around my relationship status, or lack thereof. I hated everything about being single (still do from time to time), and just wanted to be desired by someone. Even if it meant a temporary fix. I simply felt that in order for me to be complete, I either needed a man, or at minimum, the attention of one.
My thought process went a little something like this:
The sooner I said yes, the sooner I would become someone’s girlfriend, and the closer I would get to my happily ever after.
The sooner I said yes, the more desirable I would look, the more they would want me, and the better I would feel.
It didn’t matter that I was settling for something less. It didn’t matter that I was suppressing my own feelings. It didn’t even matter that my gut was telling me, things weren’t going to turn out the way that I wanted. All that mattered was that I was going to be someone’s something for that moment in time.
Oftentimes, when ignoring our boundaries, we begin to think that whatever it is we’re agreeing to, is all we’re worth. We lose sight of who we are and what we deserve because we have trained ourselves to believe that this how things are supposed to be. Or that eventually things will work out in our favor. It isn’t until time has passed and we find ourselves experiencing the same heartbreak and crying the same tears, that we learn how damaging that behavior is.
Also, when ignoring our boundaries, we’re letting the other person know that, that’s all we’re worth too. Leaving the door open for them to treat us however they want. Is it right? No. But a person will only to do to us what we allow. And for as long as we keep allowing them to have their way, they will continue to take advantage of it each and every time they get.
Leaving us to recite that same narrative of guys not being shit to our girlfriends whenever we don’t get our way.
Sister my sister, I’m not saying that all guys are perfect, because there are some crappy men out there. Nor am I saying that we are completely at fault. But at some point, we have to hold ourselves accountable and recognize how some of our actions can lead to the demise of our relationships before they even take off. And not having proper boundaries, is the quickest way to aid to that happening.