Confessions Men & Dating Single Lessons

He Ain’t Them..

Hey Beautiful!

I know it’s been some time.

I’ve spent the past few months resting, reflecting, recalibrating..

But more importantly, I’ve spent the past few months dating.

Yes, that’s right. I decided it was time for me to get my beautiful behind out there and share some of this goodness with someone. And Honey, I must say.. It has definitely been one of my better decisions.

In this dating space, I have had the opportunity to put my new-found sense of self-love and better dating tactics to use, and have been beyond pleased with the outcome. But with all the happiness and joy that I have experienced in this past quarter, there has been an equal amount of worry, fear, the dreaded comparisons, and case of the “What if’s”:

What if things really work out between us?

What if I’m not what what he envisioned?

What if he’s too good to be true?

But the biggest:

What if I like him, and he turns out to be like all the rest?

If you’ve been following me, then you know that I haven’t had the greatest dating history. And whenever I found myself falling seriously in like, I would end up with egg on my face. Now that’s not to excuse the fact that I’ve overlooked things, settled, etc., etc. But whenever I fell into a good groove with someone, things always seemed to go from sugar to shit within what felt like the blink of an eye.

So you can imagine the apprehension and anxiety I felt when deciding to put myself back out into the dating world after almost two years of being solely focused on self.

In the midst of my bliss, I have oftentimes found myself at times shifting from being present, to over analyzing every move. From the length of phone conversations, to the amount of time spent, dates, text messages, how I should/shouldn’t react, you name it, I’ve thought about it. So much so, that I was subconsciously putting up unnecessary walls and restricting myself from just feeling and having fun.

But one day, after my umpteenth comparison, I had to stop myself. Here I was having the time of my life. Enjoying the presence of someone who equally enjoys mine, and all I could focus on was if he would turn out to be a dud like the majority of the men who preceded him.

It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. Not to him. Not to me. And damn sure not to all the work that I put into my growth.

I had to simply resolve within myself that no matter where life would take us, one thing’s for certain, two thing’s for sure, he ain’t them.

He’s got his own set of amazing qualities, positive vibes, and great energy. And I had to shift my focus to all of that, as opposed to entertaining what was done to me in the past, and whether or not he would do the same. That and I had to put trust in who I am, and believe that in this stage of my life, I would make better choices when it came to who I would attract/allow into my life.  

Sister my sister, it’s so very easy for us to compare every new person that comes along, and live in constant fear that what was previously done to you, could very well happen again. But at the end of the day, that’s no way to live. When finding yourself in a situation with someone new, simply enjoy their entire being. Make the most out of every opportunity you have with them. Trust your gut. But more importantly, regardless of the outcome, whether good or bad, be present, be open, and know that He. Ain’t. Them.

xoxo, Racquel

(6) Comments

  1. Dating can be so much fun when you just allow yourself to have fun without thinking too much about the future. It was so hard for me to do though when I was single.

    1. artofsingle says:

      Omg it definitely is! So happy I decided to just let go and let flow.

  2. Tysheira says:

    Girrrrrrrrrrlllll this right here was so good! He ain’t them, I will definitely keep that in mind as I am dating right now. It’s so hard to put behind us the crap all the other guys gave, but I do know that when it’s right we’ll know. I look forward to more of your writings!

    1. artofsingle says:

      Thank you so much! And yes, girl remind yourself of that every time you find yourself living in fear of the last when dating a potential new boo. And if it starts feeling a little off, get out before you get in too deep.

  3. I know the dating rollercoaster all too well. one thing I have always been good at is separating my exes and past from the present. I don’t hang on or look at the next man as a comparison. I learned that from my early 20’s. I’ve dated some pretty cool when in my life and Im all for getting out and exploring. Dating is fun once you’re ready. A lot of women don’t know when they’re ready or not.

    1. artofsingle says:

      This is so true! And I like how you said a lot of women don’t know when they’re ready. Because the truth is, a lot of women are out here going through the motions of dating when deep down they’re really aren’t ready and are holding onto their past.

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