I Prayed Me Away..

Hey Beautiful!

You ever dealt with someone for a period of time, whether long or short, and just didn’t know how to let them go?

That was me.

In the past, I have gone against my better judgement, dealing with men that I knew I probably shouldn’t have. Knowing full well that things would never manifest into what I had hoped they would be. But I found myself so wrapped up in them, I stayed. Holding on to a sliver of hope that they would one day prove me wrong.

And I got egg on my face each and every time.

A few weeks ago, a girlfriend of mine came by my house to catch up, and in the midst of us talking about men and relationships, I noticed her demeanor change a bit. She went from being her usual lively self, to appearing sad and withdrawn. Finally, she looked up, and asked how I got to this place that I’m in.

And all I could say in that moment was, “I prayed me away.”

Early on, I knew that the type of holds I had formed with men from lover’s past, would be difficult for me to escape from. And that’s not to say that all of them had bad traits and qualities. In fact, there are quite a few whose health and happiness I still pray for to this day. But the fact of the matter is that we just weren’t meant to be. And my refusal to accept that, lead to constant let downs and disappointments.

I first began praying them away years ago, but looking back, wasn’t very intentional about it.

See that’s the thing with praying. There has to be some kind of intentionality. You cannot expect for your prayers alone to do the work for you. There has to be an action behind it. Whether it’s you adopting a different mindset, doing the physical work, or making little changes day by day, without putting in the conscious and consistent work needed, your prayers will fall flat every time.

And that’s not to say that God doesn’t love you, or is ignoring you, He’s just looking for you to do your part. He wants to know that you can be trusted with what you are asking for, before giving it to you.

And it took years of praying others away, for me to figure that out.

When I finally got to a point where I had, had enough, I began praying differently. Instead of praying them away, I began praying me away.  Instead of saying, “God, take him away.”, I began praying, “God, give me the power to walk away.” or “God, show me that there is better.” or “God, if I am not the one meant for him, remove me to make room for someone else.”

I changed the way that I prayed because I was in a different space. That and, I knew that it wasn’t them that needed to go away. They weren’t going anywhere. They weren’t the ones asking for more. It was me. I was the one who was hurt. I was the one who was upset. I was the one who’s expectations kept getting shattered each and every time.

So in order to finally separate myself, I needed to shift my mindset, by praying bold and specific prayers that would force me to see things differently.

And almost immediately, my taste for the guys I used to date began to change. I began meeting different types of men. I began losing my desire for the same old routines. I began putting far less effort into communicating with people with whom I shouldn’t have been dealing with in the first place.

I began focusing inward, and instead of forcing things that weren’t meant to be, I did only what resonated with my spirit.

Sister my sister, please understand that oftentimes you are the answer to your seemingly unanswered prayers. And that, when it comes to relationships that have lasted longer than their expected shelf life, sometimes all it takes to end things for good is a simple yes from you.

Yes, that you want better. Yes, that you need better. Yes, that you are worth better. And yes, that you will be intentional and do the work needed to make sure that you obtain better.

xoxo, Racquel