So I have never been one to use online dating as a way to meet people. I’m old school when it comes to dating. In my mind this is how it’s supposed to go:
Man walks into a room, approaches you, sparks up conversation, you hit it off, exchange information, and take it from there.
Create an account and spend hours swiping left on the people you don’t like, swiping right on the ones you do, all while praying that they’ll swipe right on you too.
Not knocking anyone who uses this method, it’s just not my thing.
While having a conversation with one of my girlfriends at the top of the year, she suggested that I try out Tinder for shits and giggles. I was against it initially, but what did I have to lose? Besides, it would serve as great writing material. So, for the entire month of February (even though I quit after 17 days), I decided to conduct a social experiment that I called “The Tinder Tales”.
In the beginning, I enjoyed swiping and chatting with people I matched with. It was fun having that kind of control over who I wanted to entertain and possibly go out with. I came across all kinds of profiles, even found a few guys that I knew and/or had previously dated. The conversations with my matches were quite interesting, ranging from “I just want to get to know you”, to “I’m looking for a relationship”, to “want to hookup?”
In fact, the hookup requests were pretty underwhelming, considering the fact that Tinder is known for being a “smash and pass” site. But, even though there weren’t as many, the messages I did get were wild enough for me to share. So without further-adieu, allow me to introduce the freaks I met during my 17-day stint in the wonderful world of online dating…
After exchanging pleasantries with one of my matches (we’ll call him James), he came out of nowhere asking me for an “afternoon delight”. I asked James to elaborate knowing full well what afternoon delight meant. Truth be told, I just wanted to see how bold he was, and screenshot our exchange to share with my friends. Any who, he rephrased the question saying, “intercourse?” I politely told him no and that I was celibate. James then replied “weird”, and proceeded to ask me for a hand job. Seeing that he couldn’t take no for an answer, I decided to have a little fun with him.
I came back and asked James how he felt about “mutual masturbation”. This was obviously good enough for James, as he was later asking me where I lived, my phone number, and if he could come over. I continued playing along by agreeing, and gave him my old work address and cell phone number. I even told him I would be waiting at the door wearing a silk bathrobe with nothing under it. As soon as James said he was on his way, I quickly unmatched and then blocked him so that he could not contact me anymore. To this day, I always wonder if James went to the address I gave him, what happened when he got there, or if he ever tried to reach out to me again.
What are you looking for?:
Then there was “Isaac”. His first message was “How are you and what are you looking for?” I told him I didn’t know and was really trying something different. Isaac got right to the point asking if we could be friends with sexual benefits. I told him I wasn’t interested, and he told me goodbye. I’m sure he unmatched with me after that.
You look like…:
“Ernest” was another one that got right to the point. He came out saying I was beautiful and looked like I was into some kinky shit. So I told him to tell me what he thinks I like. He proceeded to tell me, “I think you like being told what to do. Playing with the dick. Maybe lightly choked while getting fucked.” Now I wasn’t going to tell him that he was spot on, so I just said “oh my”, and then unmatched with him.
Run on sentences…:
If you know me, then you know I am not a fan of bad writing. In fact, I am often called a grammar, spelling, and punctuation Nazi by my friends. So when “Dante” slid into my messages giving me his life story, which was all one big run on sentence, I was immediately turned off. I guess I was too quiet when he was talking to me, because Dante, at one point had to ask me where I went and thought he had scared me off.
In all actuality, he did. But, I always need a story to tell, so I just told him I was processing everything he was saying. Dante’s last message though, was the demise of our exchange, and of course, I had to unmatch with him. He said:
“I believe we are how about this let’s take our pages and see if we could make a real good beautiful book out of them what say sweetie we keep on writing together to see if we can make this book go world wind if you catch what I am saying”.
Sorry, Dante, I did not catch what you were saying.
“Andrew” started out very refreshing. Instead of him asking what I was looking for, Andrew asked about my plans for the year. It was nice talking with someone about my goals and in turn, learning about theirs. Then he came out of nowhere with the randomness, saying he wanted some Cheetos. Perplexed, I replied saying that I wanted some cake.
I guess that must have gotten him going, because Andrew started asking about what kind of cake I wanted and if I was really six miles away. Keep in mind, it’s now midnight, and he is asking me what could two sensible adults get into at that time. Of course, I didn’t know, so he suggested that we bake a cake.
Andrew really got excited at this point because he started saying cake over and over again (four times in a row to be exact), and then asked who’s oven were going to use and what time the late night baking session was taking place. I told Andrew it was too late and wished him a goodnight. He later suggested we plan for the next day and said to me, “yum yum.” Naturally, I never talked to him again, and I am still trying to figure out if he really wanted to bake a cake, or if it was a euphemism for something else.
If I had to be honest, I don’t know how to take compliments. They make me feel really awkward and uncomfortable. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like being told I was beautiful or cute every once in a while. “David” popped up in my messages saying, “Tell your parents good job for me.” That was probably one of the sweetest things I had heard and actually made me blush.
The he followed up with:
“You are cuter than a baby panda in a ball pit of puppies.”
And right at that moment, the awkwardness and discomfort came right back.
Did you know you could super like a person on Tinder? Neither did I until I met “Dr. Jason”, who super liked my profile. I awoke one morning to the following message:
“Good Morning how are you doing? I would like to have a lunch interview with the intent and purpose of building a sustainable relationship … if you would be so kind to share with me your thoughts on that suggestion? Or we can just txt on here for a century lol either way let me know.”
I let him know, and sadly, never heard from him again.
Well Beautiful, that sums up the majority of the freaks I encountered. There is one more, but you have to stick around for part two. Tell me, what was your experience with Tinder? If you have an interesting tale of meeting some interesting or freaky characters on that or any other dating site, drop me a note in the “want to be featured” tab. I want to hear from you!