Well, I have reached the end of this series, and saved what I think is the best for last *wink*.
Aesthetically, I’d like to think that I have a certain type when it comes to men. I tend to go by the four B’s: Big. Black. Bald. Bearded. And although Sheldon was more on the fair-skinned side, he met three out of my four, so I was instantly attracted to him.
Like all Tinder Dates, Sheldon and I began conversing over the app, before exchanging phone numbers. We decided to meet-up, but due to our conflicting schedules, had difficulty with setting a date. He worked nights, and was off during the week. I have a nine to five, was in school, and off on weekends.
After a few weeks of trying to synchronize our calendars, I invited Sheldon to meet me at my favorite Reggae spot. I was going for for drinks and dancing with one of my girls, and figured that would be the perfect opportunity to finally see this big, bearded, bald, guy.
Now, it could have been the multiple Jameson and Ginger Ales, but I found myself more attracted to Sheldon upon seeing him in person, than in pictures. In fact, the very first thing I said when he walked into the bar was, “Damn! You really look like who you say you are!” He laughed and introduced me to his friend, as I took him by the hand and led the way.
Immediately, we grabbed a drink, and went into the separate room where everyone was dancing. Once again, it could have been the multiple Jameson and Ginger Ales, but when I got on that dance floor, I let all my inhibitions go. I twerked, backed it up, and grinded on that man for what felt like hours.
Out of breathe and dehydrated from all the pelvic thrusting and booty shaking, I told Sheldon I was going to grab some water, and offered to get him some as well. When I arrived back into the dance room, Sheldon and his friend were nowhere to be found. Their coats, however, were still there, so I knew they hadn’t gone far. I took a seat on one of the bar stools and waited for them to return.
When Sheldon and his friend came back, I could tell something wasn’t quite right. He looked very uncomfortable, and was shifting his gaze from side to side, as if he was trying to take in his surroundings. I asked what was wrong, and the conversation went like this:
Sheldon: “We gotta go.”
Me: “Wait why?”
Sheldon: “Is this water for me?”
Sheldon: *drinks water* “Cool thanks. We gotta get the fuck up outta here.”
Me: *frowning* “Is everything ok?”
Sheldon: “Yeah. We just, we, we just gotta go. What you ‘bout to do when you leave here?”
Me: “Ummmm get tacos.”
Sheldon: *kisses me on the cheek* “Cool. Cool. I just gotta get the fuck up outta here. Hit me when you leave.”
And then he grabbed his coat, and left.
My friend saw me standing there looking perplexed, and came over to ask what was wrong. I told her about me and Sheldon’s exchange, and she shared the same expression as me.
We left to get tacos, and on the ride there, I replayed the conversation trying to put two and two together. After sobering up some, I came to the only logical reason why Sheldon left the way he did.
He had to have robbed someone.
I told my friend, who laughed hysterically at my theory, and tried to convince me that maybe that he saw someone he knew or something had come up. I shrugged my shoulders, telling her, “I guess”, and went on to eat my food.
A few days later, I told one of my other good friends about Sheldon and what happened that night. She asked me to send her a picture of him, and the first thing she said was, “Yeah, he looks like he robs people.” I tried to explain to her my other friends theory, to which she replied, “Let’s Google his ass.”
And that’s what we did.
We confirmed that Sheldon is a respiratory health therapist and does a lot of community outreach, and just so happened to have multiple, visible, yet questionable tattoos. My friend still wasn’t convinced, and insisted that nothing about him said “Respiratory Health Therapist” or “Community Activist”.
I decided to have drinks with Sheldon one evening, to learn more about him and to get to the bottom of his abrupt departure. When we met up, I got straight to the point by asking him why he left the way he did. Here’s how that conversation went:
Me: “So let’s address the elephant in the room, why did you leave the way you did?”
Sheldon: “The lights were coming on.”
Me: “No, they weren’t.”
Sheldon: “Yes, they were.”
Me: “No… they weren’t.”
Sheldon: “Yes… they were. The lights were coming on, I can’t be seen like that, and I had to get the fuck out.”
Trying to jog my memory, because again, I was under the influence of multiple Jameson and Ginger Ales, I figured maybe he was right, and decided to let it go. But I still had my doubts.
While talking with Sheldon, I learned more about his community activism and how he’s very skeptical of the government’s involvement. We also shared the commonality of us being aspiring writers and working on our first books.
When Sheldon learned that I was creating a blog, he asked if I could help him create his own. I agreed, until he said, “Cool. Cool. You got wifi? Cause I don’t got wifi. Maybe I can come to your place and use your computer.”
This man drove a Benz, was a Respiratory Health Therapist, impeccably dressed, and did not have wifi? Oh, and it didn’t sound like he had a computer either. In my head, I’m wondering how he was “writing his first book” when he didn’t own necessary supplies needed to do so, but felt it wasn’t worth me questioning. I mean but come on, I may not drive, but I at least have wifi and a computer.
And, I was still unsure about whether or not this man was a robber, so there was no way in hell he was stepping foot inside my home.
For our next date, Sheldon and his friend, “Hood”, invited me and a friend out. They asked us meet them at a bar in a pretty sketchy area. No sooner after we arrived, there was a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, but it was a disgruntled patron that threw an empty liquor bottle at the bouncer standing outside.
I let my friend that insisted Sheldon was a robber, draw her own conclusions upon meeting and having a conversation with him. And she was further convinced that he was. That and she said anyone who hangs with someone named “Hood” (who by the way claimed to be a chef), must be affiliated with something and probably robs people.
After a few hours and multiple drinks, we left.
About a month later, while out, I received a text from Sheldon, asking what I was doing. I told him I was at a lounge, and invited him to come out. He asked where it was, and after learning the location said, “Nah, I can’t come over over in that area. But you can come see me later.” On the fence about going to see Sheldon, I weighed my options.
- Sleep peacefully in my own home without the fear of my belongings coming up missing.
- Tell a friend my whereabouts, and go over there with only the items I could live without. I may get robbed, but I’ll end this “accidental abstinence” (post about that coming soon).
I went with option #2.
I called Sheldon for his address, but didn’t get an answer. I later texted him after getting out the shower, and he responded. Right as I was requesting my Uber, my phone rang. I answered, and found myself even more confused about Sheldon, than I was before. In fact, that conversation was the demise of anything he and I could have ever had.
The first question out of Sheldon’s mouth was:
“Do you think the Earth would survive without mankind?”
Trying to figure out where this sudden “wokeness” came from, I answered his question the best of my ability, and asked the same. Sheldon went on the give me the exact same response, but with a lot of added phrases and unnecessarily big words. He then went on to tell me the problem with mankind, Black Lives Matter, issues within the black community, a slavery/Civil Rights lesson, and then said:
“When man is put into the ground, Mother Nature is so angry, she will spit him back up.”
And so on, and so on, and so on.
Again, the hell?!
Keep in mind, it is now approaching 4AM, and we’ve been on the phone for almost an hour, with him doing most of the talking. I ask Sheldon what that had to do with anything, and he said he needed to know where my head was at before I came over, but he liked the way I thought.
I couldn’t take his “teachings” any longer, and wished him a goodnight.
Needless to say, I never heard from Sheldon after that. Trying to figure this man out was way more exhausting than it should have been, and the last thing I needed in my life was a robber who specialized in late night black history and philosophy lessons. Thanks, but no thanks.
So now that you know all of my #TinderTales, what are some of yours? I’m curious to know if you’ve had any of the same experiences as me, or better/worse. Leave me a note under the “want to be featured” tab. I want to hear from you.