Confessions Life Lessons Single Lessons

Unsettled..

“Because what we’re not going to do, is hold on to mediocre friendships, overextend ourselves to things and people who don’t appreciate us, and settle for subpar wine.” – Racquel Coral

Hey Beautiful!

Can we talk about settling for a minute?

If you’ve been joining me for my weekly girl chat, “Confessions Over Tea” (every Wednesday at 8pm CST on Instagram Live *wink*), one of the topics was settling. And I guess it really touched a nerve with some people, because we ended up talking about it for two hours that night. In addition to me having a few separate conversations after the girl chat had ended.

Initially, I wasn’t going to do a subsequent blog post about the topic, but because I really want to unpack and drive this thing home, here we are. The reality is, sis, we settle for a lot more than we care to admit, and not just when it comes to relationships. We settle for jobs, clothes, food, outings, you name it. And oftentimes when we do, though we are not completely satisfied, we tend to just go along with it. Because after all, having a little something that resembles the thing we wanted, is better than not having anything at all. And rather than wait for the exact thing we want, we take what we can in hopes that it will satisfy us in the interim.

So in the case of relationships, why do we settle?

Tired of being alone?

Fearful of not meeting the “right one”?

They are a good person and/or has great qualities?

Fearful that what we want doesn’t exist?

I get it, and I’ve been there.

Yes, singleness can be a frustrating journey that will leave you feeling defeated and gravitating towards the very first thing that comes along. Especially if it comes wrapped in a pretty package, complete with a bow and all. But girl, let me tell you, it just ain’t worth it. Oftentimes out of our desperation (and I use that word with love) we ignore all sightings of red flags, and overlook signs of him showing us who he is. That and, when we do begin to recognize these signs, we sometimes still give him chance after chance thinking that maybe he will change, or that things will get better or what’s worst, “maybe it’s me”.

Now by no means am I saying that there is no room for improvement, because we have all gone through, and are still going through our growing pains. We are all evolving into better beings, but in no way, shape, or form, are we obligated to hang around waiting for someone to change. The moment you find yourself beginning to settle for someone less that what you want, get out before you get in too deep.

So now that we know a few of the reasons why we settle, how do we know when we’re doing it?

I don’t know about you, but for me, I always made justification statements. You know, the ones that start out with “But at least…” or , “He may be/have ____________, but at least he ___________.” The statements are never firm, never in black and white, and always backtracked so as to prove his value to not only myself, but to others. Because the reality is, we like to justify things to those around us, more than to ourselves.

See, it’s something about that validation from our peers, that can keep us trapped in cycles of settling… But we’ll address people pleasing, validation, and insecurities another day.

Another way that I know when I’m settling is when I find myself constantly questioning things, or am unsure. It’s almost as if my spirit just won’t rest and be content with what’s in front of me. And that’s because my spirit knows that’s something just isn’t right. Plain and simple, it’s unsettled.

And how many times have we ignored that little nudge in our spirits saying that whatever it was that was presented to us, wasn’t exactly what we wanted. Or one better, that nudge in our spirit saying that if we would just hold on a little longer, what we desire is only a short wait away.

Gotta listen to your spirit, Beautiful. It will never steer you wrong.

Now I know that I just gave settling a really bad wrap, but the Libra in me is always able to see things from both sides. And as crazy as it sounds, there are some pros to settling. They may be followed by an equal number of cons, but there are pros nonetheless. A few include, but are not limited to:

Pro: Consistency

Con: Complacency

Pro: Comfortable

Con: Boring

Pro: “But at least…”

Con: But at what cost?

Pro: He’s There

Con: But is he really what you want?

To conclude, as hard as it may be, it’s so worth it to wait on what’s truly meant for you. By settling, you’re ultimately delaying your blessings, and holding yourself back from the things that you deserve. And you do this by essentially sending a signal to your brain that there’s no use in dreaming big, because a fraction of what you want is good enough. Nevermind the fact that once the novelty of that fraction wears off, you find yourself seeking piece after piece any and everywhere. Even if that means in outside people and places, which can in turn, leave you in an even more unhappy, or worse, a more convoluted situation that what you were in before.

It’s 2018, sis. And there is far too much of an abundance of what we want, than to be out here settling for scraps.

xoxo, Racquel

 

(10) Comments

  1. I really needed this post! I’ve been battling with thinking that my standards are too high because I’m so used to settling and now that I don’t want to, it seems that dating is harder. But this was the reminder I needed to never allow just anything to walk into my life, so thank you!

    1. artofsingle says:

      You are so welcome! And your standards are never too high. Keep hold of that. There’s someone out there who will meet them!

  2. Patrice Rivers says:

    Great post as always!

    1. artofsingle says:

      Thank you!!

  3. […] When going with option 1, know that while you may have escaped that discomforting feeling, the desire for more is still going to haunt you. That and, you are going to find yourself settling for the bare minimum over, and over again, in search of something that resembles fulfillment. (Read my post on “Settling” here.) […]

  4. Needed to see this… been wondering if someone was for me but not really sure. Can’t my finger on him but stuff seems off

    1. artofsingle says:

      First off, thank you so much for reading and commenting! If something seems off, about the person you are with and you can’t quite put your finger on it, I would say take a step back and really reassess this person. Chances are they’ve been showing you signs of who they are for a while now, and you’ve been overlooking. And also, go with your gut feeling, it’ll never steer you wrong. I have a post coming next week talking all about red flags, make sure on the email list so you will know when it’s posted before anyone else.

  5. Mama T says:

    As an older single woman I am baffled by what many of my peers do just to say the have someone. For me, the “Art” of being single is knowing what you want and what’s not up for negotiation. Now I’m not talking about attributes such as he’s 5’9” instead of the 6’2” or he’s not making 6 figures. I’m talking about he’s read a book and knows what’s going on in the world around him and beyond. We need to know what is non negotiable for us as individuals. If your man has to love to travel because that is Uber important to you than accept nothing less. Knowing who you are and what you want fills you with a quiet confidence and confidence is something we should wear everywhere we go.

    1. artofsingle says:

      Yes to all of this! So very accurate. You shouldn’t have to downplay your standards or criteria, just for the sake of having someone. It’s never that serious. Now that I’m older and know better when it comes to dating, I am unwilling to accept anything less than what it is that I want.

  6. […] Basically, I settled for jobs the same way we oftentimes settle for relationships. See my previous post on settling here. […]

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