“The most powerless thing women can do is let an inconsistent guy know she will stay, waiting for him to reach potential he doesn’t have.” – unknown
I saw the above quote, and it really took me to a place where I was completely lost. Wrapped up in someone who I would have done anything for, even though he couldn’t give me the type of commitment I felt I deserved.
His consistent inconsistencies drove me away several times, but it was his potential that had me coming back time and time again. We kinda had that Carrie and Big thing going on. And deep down, I always thought that like Big, he would save me from all the other guys that didn’t work out, and tell me that I was his one.
Boy was I wrong.
Understand, by no means was he a bad guy, and had all the makings of a perfect partner. He was my best friend, a support system, there during my darkest moments. His presence was intimidating, yet gentle. His scent was overpowering, yet orgasmic. His look was both handsome and sexy. His drive was indescribable. His laugh introduced him when walked in the room. His hugs made me feel safe. His kisses were heartwarming. His touch sent chills up and down my spine. He was a leader, and I just knew that he and I were destined to be.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I asked him where things were going, only to be told, “I don’t know.”, or, “I have to get my shit together first.” But I stuck around, because once again, I saw his potential. Especially when he would ask questions like, “If I were to ask you to marry me, would you say yes?” or, “I may be moving to ________, would you come with me?”, or tell me things like, “I need you.”
And because I wanted so badly to be with him, I was willing to surrender my all to make that happen.
We dated off and on for a number of years. Two months on, five months off. Six months on, four months off. Eight months on, three months off. This was the nature of our situationship. His way back in always started with a text saying something along the lines of, “Old friend!”, or “Hey stranger”, or “Damn, where have you been?”. That would then turn into us going out for dinner, drinks, a movie. And before I knew it, we were sleeping together, and everything I ever felt for him before, came rushing back. Oh, and mind you, I would date others during our off moments, but whenever he came back around, I would drop them all for him.
I had given the best parts of me to man who would not claim me as anything more than a friend.
Finally growing tired of the back and forth, and constantly giving of myself, I decided it was time to walk away. But even though I was ready, it wasn’t going to be as easy as I had hoped it would be.
We had a soul-tie.
And if you know anything about them, they are hard to break. It requires a lot of patience and prayer and forgiveness and sacrifice to truly be delivered. Especially if you have invested several years of time, effort, and feelings. And given the history that he and I had, in the words of Queen-Mother Iyanla, “I had to do my work, Beloved.”
Every day I had to force myself to think about him less and me more. Get to the root of why I had put so much energy into his potential, rather that see things for what they were. Accept the role I played, in that I was willingly submitting myself to a man without ever having put a demand on what I wanted. Rest in the fact that there is someone better for me than him. And finally come to the realization that while he and I had the makings of what could have been something great, it simply wasn’t meant to be.
And finally, one day he texted me saying he was dating someone else, but wanted things to remain the same between us. And that shit hurt.
He was able to figure out what he wanted and get his shit together for her, but not for me. After I had been there for so many years, received countless, “I don’t know’s”, given reasons why I would marry him, agreed to uproot my life and follow him wherever he wanted to go while he chased his dreams, because I believed in him that much. I had imagined so many fantasies of our own version of Happily Ever After, but he found someone else to have that with. And what’s worse, he wanted me to still stick around in the same capacity I had always been in.
And while I was hurt that the separation didn’t happen the way that I intended, it happened the way that it was supposed to. My biggest fear was that he would find somebody else, and he did. In that moment I had to decide if I wanted to surrender my self-respect and stay, or leave with a broken heart, shattered dreams, but my head held high.
So I walked.
I walked away. I blocked my number. I blocked him on social media. I told my friends when I would miss him, and begged them to hold me accountable. I stopped dating. Everything that I had given to him, I gave back to myself. I invested in me. I took back my power.
I convinced myself that I deserved better. That I was worthy of better. That I will get better. And I am happier now that I know better.